Send your favorite Bonanza quotes to me at: MissHoneyBee@myrealbox.com!

Note: I do not guarantee to post your quotes here,
but I do appreciate getting quotes so I can see them and probably post them here.
If all the quotes are not exactly accurate, forgive me and please tell me how they go.

Quotes - Page 2 (Seasons 5-14)

Miscellaneous Quotes

(Know which episode this quote is from?  Please tell me!
Thanks to Hersey and Maury for telling me where the other three came from!)

Can't remember what episode it's from, but one of the Bonanza Bad Guys threatens:
"...I'll cut your liver out! And a man don't live long without a liver, that's a MEDICAL FACT!"  (Submitted by happyfish)

Quotes from Season 1

Episode 2 - Death on Sun Mountain (aka The Sun Mountain Herd)

Joe, of Virginia City: "Hoss, did you ever see anything like this in your whole life?"
Hoss: "Yeah, I saw a stampede _______(?).  The only difference was that the stampede made more sense."

Joe: "Does ten dollars per pound make sense to you?"
Mark Burdette: "That depends—this happens to be my antelope meat."
Hoss: "The Paiutes might argue with you on that."

Mark Burdette: “They’ll sell to me before I’m through—or they’ll never sell cattle to anyone else.”

Ben: “You all right, Hoss?”
Joe: “Always said he had a hard head, Pa.”

Episode 4 - The Paiute War

Joe: " . . . You got yourself into some real trouble this time, Big Brother."
Adam: "Yeah, this time it's me and not you!"

Episode 6 - The Julia Bulette Story

Hoss to Adam, about Joe: "That boy's got a lot of grit. One of these days, he's gonna be able to whup that Frenchman."
Adam: "But not today." (slinging an unconscious Joe over his shoulders and then taking a swallow of beer before heading home.)  (from Short Shanks)

Adam (to Ben): "You know, it's doin' something for Little Joe-defending someone he feels close to." (tigeranne)

Episode 7 - The Saga of Annie O'Toole

Annie, of her father: " . . . He strangled and died [while he was eating]."
Hoss: "From the hotcakes?"
Annie: "How dare you question my cookin'?  From the hotcakes, says he."

Annie: “I can cut the whiskers from a cat with a skillet without even disturbin’ its slumber.”

Hoss: “Ma’am, my brother Adam always knows what’s best.”

Adam: “Now, I was watching these men and their interest in your—culinary arts.”
Annie: “Watch your tongue!”

Annie: “Adam, I can’t read. . . . There, you are.  A snivelblott!”

Annie: “Adam, could you really learn me to write numbers?”
Adam: “Could I teach you.”
Annie: “I don’t know—could ya?”

Hop Sing: "I quit!"

Joe: “Why don’t you marry her, Adam, an' save us all this trouble?”
Adam: “Ha, ha.”

Annie: “He thinks he’s a big typhoon.”
Adam: “Tycoon.  A typhoon is a big wind.”
Annie: “That’s him!”

Adam (narrating): "Keeping the news of the new strike a secret was about as easy as keeping an elephant under a walnut shell."

Adam: "But Pa! It's ME, Adam!" (when Ben treats him as just another disputant in the mine court) - (From tigeranne)

Adam: "Annie, will you stop trying to help before you land us both in jail?" - (From tigeranne)

Annie: “An' me figurin’ the only man I could count on were you."
Adam (correcting her grammar): “Was me.”
Annie: “Well you wasn’t.”

Annie: “There’s such a shortage of wood around here.”
Adam: “Suure there is.”

Joe: “Can you imagine, Adam and Annie getting married!”

Episode 9 - Mr. Henry Comstock

Ben, as Joe is by a stream or something: "Careful, Little Joe; that's the closest you've come to a bath in months."

Joe: “Sure fine tasting meat, chief.  What is it?”
Chief Winnemucca: “Rattlesnake.”
Joe looks shocked/disgusted for a second, then recovers and says: “It really is very good.”
Chief Winnemucca: “We have plenty.  Eat more.”
Joe, making a face: “Uh, no thanks—I’m not a very big eater.”

Episode 11 - The Truckee Strip

Joe: "We don't have to inherit the hatred of our parents."
Amy Bishop: "How can we help it?  There's been so much hatred for so long."
Joe: " . . . You know, I questioned my father for the first time over that land. . . . All because I met a little girl with bare feet and the biggest eyes I've ever seen."

Joe: "I guess this killin' is rubbing off on everyone.  Here I am holding a gun on my own father."

Episode 12 - The Hanging Posse

Man: "I just quit runnin', Blackie."
Blackie: "Are you out of your mind, or somethin'?"
Man: "I was, but I ain't anymore.  I must've been out of my mind to start runnin' from somethin' I didn't do."

Shusta: "I can't—I can't go on without no water.  My condition."
Blackie: "You move on—or your condition is gonna be dead."

Blackie: "Wait a minute, now.  They're waitin' out there for us."
Adam: "Ah, you should've known there'd be a day like this."

Episode 13 - Vendetta

Hoss: "What about it?  Any of you got guts enough to stand up and take sides? . . . I an't gonna bother askin' you again, Mr. Carter.  You tol' my pa when he saved your life that you wasn't gonna be fergittin' it.  Pretty hollow soundin' words, ain't they? . . . I ain't gonna do no more beggin'."
Mr. Pryor: "Well, Hoss—I'd like to go along, if it's all right.  I won't be much use, I guess.  I can't shoot.  I—never killed a man."
Man: "Except Ed Samuels."
Mr. Pryor: "Except Ed Samuels. [Sigh]  Maybe you don't want me."
Hoss: "Mr. Pryor, when I came in here, I was asking for men to step forward.  As far as I'm concerned, you're the only man in the whole room."

Episode 14 - The Sisters

 Adam: "Pa, you always taught me that talk was cheap." (Submitted by Puddleglum)

Episode 15 - The Last Hunt

Joe: “Did you take a good look at this baby?”
Hoss: “What’d you do to him?  He was fine when I gave him to you.”

Hoss, speaking of the knife next to his head: “Joe, did you put this here?”

Hop Sing: “Next time you bling baby home, you bring diaper boy.  Hop Sing got no time for changing diaper.”

Hop Sing: “You got no sense, people?  Why you wake up house so late?”

Episode 16 - El Toro Grande

Boy (Epefaño/Kefaño Lopez): "But, Señior, a person's mother and father always go with the.  You would make me an orphan."

Valiente Lopez is telling of the various things his wife cooks.
Joe: "You're putting on ten pounds just listenin'."
Hoss: "I'm not about to separate a boy from his ma and pa."
Joe: "Or you from that cooking."

Hoss, about the bull: "You better let him go, or we'll lose a tree."

Joe, to Ben: "We couldn't separate the boy from his Mama and Papa."

Adam: "You sure you didn't get into any trouble?"
Joe: "Nah."
Hoss: "Well, maybe just a little . . . "
They go on to list the adventures they went through.

Episode 17 - The Outcasts

Adam: “How did I ever get tangled up with you two?”
Joe: “Just plain lucky, I guess.”

Episode 18 - A House Divided

Mr. Kyle to Ben: "I had a photograph of his mother.  I thought he'd like to have it." (Strange, because it definitely looked like a painting, and of a dark-haired, plain lady.  Must be Kyle is lying.)

Pa, you just can't have two points of view in the same house. It just won't work." - Adam  (From the TV Tome Bonanza site)

Hoss: "Pa, that newspaper you was readin' the other day in the saloon about—what Mr. Lincoln said about a house divided can't stand—I recon he was talkin' about folks like us."
Ben: "No.  Not us, Hoss.  Not us."

Episode 19 - The Gunmen

Joe: "What the heck did we do?"
Hoss: "Danged if I know, but I'm gonna find out."  He takes Joe's light blue neckerchief, ties it on a table leg, and puts it out the window in surrender.  The shooting keeps going on.  Hoss pulls the "flag" in again.
Joe, looking mournfully at his torn up neckercheif: "Oh, Hoss—I paid two dollars for this."
Hoss: "It sure ain't worth much now.  Man, wasn't that good shootin'?"
Joe: "Well, next time would you use your own neck cloth, please?"
Hoss: "I just hope there's gonna be a next time."
Mr. Hatfield yells: "Hey, you in there!"
Hoss: "Haiye?"
Mr. Hatfield: "We know who ya are, and what yer here fer.  You can die now, or later, if you want a chance to make yer peace."
Hoss: "Hey—they got us mixed up with somebody else."
Joe: "I sure hope so."
Hoss: "Well why else would they be shootin' at total innocent strangers if they didn't have us mixed up with somebody?"
Joe, chewing his lip: "I d'know, this is Texas, though, you know."

Hoss, in jail with Joe, says: "Little Joe, you don't reckon they're really gonna hang us, do ya?"
Joe: "Well, I don't know; if they're jokin' us they're sure pushin' it pretty far."
A rock with a paper tied around it flies through the window.  Joe picks it up, unfolds it, and begins to read it:
" 'Hang on.  Don't blob.' "
Hoss: " 'Don't blab.' "
Joe: "Oh, 'Don't blab.  Rescue is at hand.  Signed, Black Alonzo, the Red-handed Avenger."
Hoss looks out the window and sees a little boy running away.
Hoss: "Little Joe—even the kids have been effected by that loco beef in this town."

Lorna Doone Mayberry: " 'Oh, poor doomed prisoners—it ain't too late,
Down on your knees as you face your awful fate.
Repent your crimes, before that trap is sprung,
And you—like a side of beef—are hung."
Two girls interrupt. . . 
Lorna Doone: "Iffin you don't mind, I'd like to finish my little tribute, whilst there's time."
Joe: "Uh, m-ma'am?  D-did you have many more of those?"
Lorna Doone: "No, just ten or twelve more verses.  [Joe's eyebrows go up in his characteristic mournful face.]  Well, I didn't have enough time to do a real good job of it."
Joe: "That's a shame." He gives a little humorless laugh.
Lorna Doone: " 'Now your poke is spent, and you can take my word,
We'll remember the gent that went ridin' herd.  [The two girls fight to take Joe's hand.]
A'fightin' and shootin' like desert rats,
To come to their end in Keowa Flats. . . .
Now toll the bell—their souls are fled,  [Joe whispers: "There gonna be much more of this, Hoss?"  Hoss: "Shh."]
Them two poor boys are hangin', dead.
Somewhere their kinfolk will weep and pray,  [Joe whispers: "Oh, this is worse than hangin'."]
For them that got heisted up today."
The women clap, Hoss joins in, and Joe joins in late, reluctantly.
Lorna Doone: "Did you really like it?"
Hoss: "Ma'am—I thought it was prime—just prime."
Lorna Doone: "Well, it ain't often I get a chance to recite my tribute to the dear departed before they're departed."
Hoss: "No, ma'am, I don't reckon you do."
Lorna Doone: "I suppose you'd like to have it burried with you.  Most folks do."
(Joe's face through this whole thing is funny to watch!)

Boy MacPhaddon (aka: Black Alonzo): “Don’t you fellows know anything?  It’s a feud!  He’s kinda dumb, ain’t he?”  (Joe laughs.)
Hoss: “Why you—”

Hoss: “Dadburnit, Mr. MacPhaddon, don’t you folks have any other use for a rope around here?”
Joe: “First the Hatfields wanted to hang us for being the Slade boys, and now you want to hang us because we ain’t.”
Mr. MacPhaddon: "I'm gettiin' awful tired of hearin' that same old tired lie."

Hoss: "That's what I like about us as a family, Little Joe. Pa always taught us to never do nothin' the others would be ashamed of.  I aim to keep it that way."

Sheriff Brown: "See, my grandpappy always told me, oh, he says—says he—'Son—you get the women on your side, and the battle is won."

Lorna Doone Mayberry, to Hoss: "You ain't as dumb as you look."  Hoss smiles in an "Aw, shucks," humble sort of way.

Mr. MacPhaddon: "This ain't no way to run a feud! . . . (Looking up at the sky.) . . . And it was such a nice day for it, too."

Joe, after they pass the Slade boys: “You don’t suppose that…?”
Hoss: “I think so.  Come on, let’s get out of here.”
They start to ride away, then stop when they hear shooting coming from town.
Hoss: “You don’t reckon…?
Joe: “I think so.”

Episode 20 - The Fear Merchants

Man to Jimmy Chang: “Boy, you just made the biggest mistake of your life.  Biggest mistake you’ll ever make.”

After the sheriff says he's making some (or all?) of the Cartwrights deputies, Hoss says: "That's good.  I always wanted to wear one of these deputy badges, anyhow."

Episode 21 - The Spanish Land Grant

Adam: "Well, you'll never be able to enjoy this land now.  There's too much blood on it."

Adam: "All right, Pa.  But I don't want to miss anything, so don't start shooting till I get back."  Ben smiles.

Luga: "Those Cartwrights.  They have an unfortunate effect on people, no?"

Episode 22 - Blood on the Land

Adam: "Well Pa, the way I see it, to get ahead, a man's got to use his brains, not his back."
Pa: "Adam, with land like the Ponderosa, a man's got to be able to use both." (Smiles.)

Jeb Drummond: "You got a mighty unreasonable old man, boy."  (Adam smiles a bit.)

Billy, to Adam: "I guess you wouldn't know how it feels to have a rope stretched around your neck, not with a regular family, not like you live."

"You've got yourself an empire, ain't you Mr. Cartwright?  Is it worth your boy's life?" - Jeb Drummond (From the TV Tome Bonanza site)

Adam (as Ben is about to sign a paper deeding the Ponderosa to Mr. Drummond): "Pa, don't!  50,000 acres; it isn't worth it!"
Ben: "Isn't it?"

Billy: "W—Mr. Cartwright, I sure will try to live up to your faith in me, I—"
Ben: "Well, Billy, you better, because if I find you [shakes finger] steppin' out of line just once, why I'll—"
Adam: "You'll, uh—go get the sheriff." (They all laugh.)

Episode 23 - Desert Justice

Hoss: "Come on, Little Joe, can't you load no faster'n 'at?"
Joe: "Can't I load it any faster?  Why don't you try pitchin' and let me stack for a while?"
Hoss: "You must be fergittin'—I did the loadin' this mornin' and you did the stackin'; now it's your turn to load a while."
Joe: "No, I ain't forgettin', uh—I'm just complainin'." (Smiles.)
Adam comes up with Dave, a hired hand, and says: "Now I ask you—you ever see two guys work so hard and accomplish so little?"
Dave: "Now, I have to admit they're a bit on the slow side, Adam, but then they're pretty puny—especially the one on top of the wagon."
Shows Hoss stacking hay.  "Yeah," Adam says.  Joe laughs.

Joe, after Ben said he and Hoss and Adam were going to town: "What about me?"
Ben: "Someone's got to get the rest of the hay in."
Joe makes a face.
Hoss: "That'll keep 'im busy till spring." (Laughs.)

Adam: Think I ought to go along Pa?
Ben: Adam, this isn't really our affair.
Adam: Isn't it? Then why did you wire a thousand dollars to the lawyer in Los Angeles. (From the TV Tome site)

Station Master, Micah Bailey: "Well, I'll tell you, mister, the only thing private out here is the hole that a man gets buried in, an' even that's liable to be stolen out from under him by thievin' Apaches." 

Sheriff: "Mr. Bailey, it is a federal offense punishable by fine or imprisonment, or both, to interfere with a United States marshal in the execution of his duties."
Adam: "That means he's taking charge, Micah, whether we like it or not."

Dave, to Andrea Strasser: "My ma died when I was no bigger than a polliwog.  My father was always wandering.  I think maybe my ma loved him more than he was worth."
Andrea: "And you take after your father?"
Dave: "Oh, no.  I have my feet firmly planted.  Will have them permanently planted."

Hoss: "Adam?  You awake?"
Adam: "Now how can anyone sleep with you rolling and tossing?"
Hoss: "Well, dadburn it, I can't help it.  This confounded couch is plumb alive.  Every time I get—get another position it sprouts a new hair."

"...Yeah, Little Joe warned me if I went on a trip with you I'd be eating cow fodder." - Adam (to Hoss)  (From the TV Tome site)

"Oh I don't think so. It's sort of like bees and honey. You and cowfood just seem to go together." - Adam (to Hoss)  (From the TV Tome site)

Hoss: "This is Southern California?  I've been to San Francisco and that's pretty nice, but they're never gonna make nothing out of this!"  (Submitted by Puddleglum)

Andrea: "You Americans have a way of making things happen so quickly.  In Europe it sometimes takes a generation to put things right."
Hoss: "Well, ma'am, I—I reckon you could sorta chalk it up to our weather."
Andrea: "Weather?"
Hoss: "Yes'm, y'see—we got so dang much weather out here and so dadburned much land we gotta whip, that—well, we just ain't got time to be puttin' things straight to each other."
Andrea: "You are a born philosopher, Hoss."
Hoss: "Me?"
She gets in the coach.
Hoss, to Adam: "Wh-what'd she mean by that?"
Mr. Bailey: "She means that if you was any smarter you'd still be the second dumbest man in creation—an' yer lookin' at the first."
Adam, looking at Hoss: "It's a toss-up."

Mr. Bailey: "Charlie—get 'em out'a my station before anything else happens."

Episode 26 - The Avenger

Hangman: “The old man’s a 200 pounder.  The boy’s lighter and wiry.  He’ll need about 4 and a half feet. . . . I hate night hangings.  Ain’t like in the morning when it’s cheerful. . . . But I don’t guess it will matter much to Ben and Adam Cartwright.” (From Kimberly Jo)

The hangman tells Ben and Adam that their necks should be clean shaven, otherwise the hemp might pull on the small whiskers.
Hangman: “That could be painful. . . . Your boots should fit snug, otherwise they might fly off.”
Adam: “We can do without your help.” (From Kimberly Jo)

Lassiter: “Seems to me like they’re hanging the wrong people in this town.” (From Kimberly Jo)

Barney and his family are sitting in the dark, having given up on the idea of signing a petition because of being threatened.  Hoss takes the petition and when Barney offers to turn on a light, Hoss says: "Don’t bother Barney. I think I can see you better in the dark than I ever did in the daylight anyhow!" (From Kimberly Jo)

Joe, to Ben and Adam near the end: “I’ll bet you’re glad we didn’t wait till the last minute.” (From Kimberly Jo)

Episode 28 - San Fransisco

Hoss to Little Joe: "If I wrestled like you manage I'd be in the hospital." (from Blue Velvet)

Hoss to Ben: "Sure enough.  How much did that little gal get for you?" (from Blue Velvet)

Episode 29 - Bitter Water

Hoss: “I’m gonna see if I can rustle me up one of them little fillies.”
Ben, a bit later: “I just found my filly.”

Ben: “Now, Adam, you and I know the Ponderosa is one of piece of land he’ll never get.”

Episode 30 - Feet of Clay

Ben: "Get your feet off the table!"
Joe (taking his feet off the table): "Hey Hoss, how do you suppose you and I grew up to be so sweet-tempered with such a grouch for a pa?
Hoss: Oh Little Joe, I reckon he must of been a might more mellower when he was younger." (From the TV Tome site.)

Billy: "Would that be all right?" [To take a doughnut.]
Hoss: "All right?  Hop Sing would be downright insulted if there were any left by suppertime.  Besides, I'm bigger than him."
Billy laughs and says: "You're about bigger than anyone."  Hoss smiles.

Hoss: "It doesn't matter what your ma or pa was, 'cause they ain't you.  They say my ma was a real pretty woman, but that don't mean that people gotta enjoy looking at an ugly cuss like me. . . . "

Episode 31 - Dark Star

"Now look.  I don't know what's bothering you but I brought you here and I feel responsible for you.  I want to find out where you belong and that's all." - Joe (Quote found on the TV Tome Bonanza site)

" . . . This is the Ponderosa - Cartwright land." - Ben (Quote found on the TV Tome Bonanza site)

Episode 35 - Badge Without Honor

Hoss: "He's faster than greased lightning.—Show 'im, Joe."

Quotes from Season 2

Episode 38 - Denver McKee

Joe, to Adam and Hoss: "Oh, you two are a big help.  (Gets down from horse.)  Here I had that gal sweet-talked, eatin' right out of my hand.  You two had to bust in and hustle me outta there."
Adam: "Ah, you just be grateful we got you outta trouble before it happened."
Joe: "You know what I think?"
Hoss: "It couldn't be much; it takes brains to think." (Adam smiles.)
Joe: "Yeah, well, I think you're jealous.  (Hops on horse.)  Just 'cause I find the only pretty gal in town who's not wearin' some man's brand . . ."
Hoss (to Adam): "Didn't I tell you he's short on brains?"
Adam (to Joe): "Ah, but she was wearin' some man's brand, Casa Nova, and he was rounding up a few of his friends.  They were fixin' to take you apart, but there was no talk about puttin' you back together again."
Hoss: "An' me an' Adam bein' the charitable fellers we are, we just decided your hide might be worth savin'."
Adam: "Ah, not that we care, but, ah, Pa might'a been a little upset (holds two fingers a little apart)." (Joe smiles.)

Hoss: "You know?  I think our brother's [Joe's] comin' down with a real bad case of Loveitis."
Ben: "Never mind the Loveitis; you get back to work."

Adam (pickin' on his baby brother, who is getting all dolled up): "Smells a bit like the Wednesday afternoon ladies society." (from tigeranne)

Episode 39 - Day of Reckoning

Ike, with gun in hand: “I heard something out there.”
Martha: “Yep, you certainly got ‘em scared, all right.”

Episode 40 - The Abduction

Joe: "Don't worry Pa.  I'll keep an eye on them."
Adam: "Sure, Pop, but who'll keep an eye on him?"
Ben: "That's easy - Hoss will.  Isn't that right Hoss?"
Hoss: "Huh . . . I mean sir?"
Adam: "He'll do fine Pa.  Ask no more."  (Quote found on the TV Tome Bonanza site)

Episode 42 - The Last Viking

Adam: "He reminds me of a Viking."
Hoss: "Yeah.  I think he would like being called a Viking."
Ben, sternly: "The Vikings were rough, ruthless men, not much better than the Compañeros."

Gunnar: “I have to move with the tide and turn of things.  Not sit on my backside like a Yucatan turtle!”
Ben, raising an eyebrow: “I never exactly considered myself a Yucatan turtle."
Gunnar: "You ain't, you ain't. . . . Some men are meant to be farmers. . . ."

Carrie: "Here's some water."
Joe: "Just looking at you is more refreshing than anything I could drink. - But I could use some of that, too."

Episode 48 - The Courtship

"It's to keep you from getting chased all the way back to the Ponderosa by a hoppin' mad daddy with a shotgun in his hand.  And from the way I saw you and that little filly downstairs makin' eyes at each other, that's just about what's gonna happen." (Hoss to Little Joe) - (Quote found on the TV Tome Bonanza site)

Episode 49 - The Spitfire

"We killed ANOTHER one!!" (BZ bad guy) - (Submitted by happyfish)

Episode 51 - Bank Run

Adam (after Pa leaves Joe in charge of the ranch while he and Adam go on a trip): "Yes, but you left him with a blank check-we get back we'll probably find the ranch has been traded off for a salted gold mine in Alaska." (from tigeranne)

Hoss, referring to the little guy who was in the saloon and had a lot of money in the bank, said, "He's so drunk he couldn't hit the floor with his hat!" (Submitted by  Puddleglum)

Finch: "Chief, we might have just one problem."
Mr. Harrison: "I don't have problems—I give them!"

Hoss is chopping down a telegraph pole.
Hoss, stopping to ask: "Joe, are you—are you so right sure we're doin' the right thing?"
Joe: "Look, Pa said I was boss and I make all the decisions, didn't he?"
Hoss: "Yeah, but—you done had us robbin' a bank, and now it's destroyin' private property, I—I don't know whether Pa'd consider that comin' under the title of makin' decisions, or not."

Sheriff Coffee, to telegraph operator: "Well, what's the matter?"
Tel. operator: "The line just went dead.  Must be a—a loose connection along the line somewhere.—Or a pole mighta fell."
Sheriff Coffee: "Whaddya mean, a pole mighta fell?"
Tel. operator: "Yeah, last month over in Carson City a bull tore one down."
Sheriff Coffee: "Bull?!  Bull."

Hoss, to his horse: "Woah."
Joe: "What'sa matter?"
Hoss: "Joe, you know how my head always itches when somebody's follerin' me?"
Joe: "Yeah, you always claim that."
Hoss: "Well, it's itchin' right now."
Joe: "Ah, I don't think they could'a organized a posse this soon.  Are you sure your hair just doesn't need washin'?"
Hoss: "I just washed it last month!"
Joe: "Didn'tcha even (?) dip in the water?"
Hoss: "No."
Joe: "That explains it."

Ben, after finding Hoss and Joe (searching for an explanation): "Well?"
Joe, after a moment: "Well—go-go ahead an'—an' tell 'em."
Hoss, hitting Joe in the arm: "You're the boss."
Joe: "Well, ya—ya see, Pa, w-what hap—what happened is—" (He looks back at Hoss for help.)
Hoss: "Well, I think I'll get me some water."

Talking about a telegraph . . .
Joe: "Well, I—I ain't exactly got it with me, Pa."
Ben: "You ain't exactly got it with you because it wasn't exactly sent!"
Joe: "Aw, now listen!"
Ben: "No—you listen, and you listen good. . . ."

Hoss: "Hey, Pa—how we supposed to get back into Virginia City if we ain't got no horses?"
Ben, after coming closer to Hoss: "You walk."
Joe: "W-w-w-walk?"
Ben: "Make sure you get there—ya hear?"
Adam: "Like you said, Pa, you really know Little Joe.  He'll be cleaning out the stable, repairing the fences . . . "
Ben, turning his horse around: "Oh, come on."

Joe: "We're gonna get that money back.  We're goin' after the crooks."
Hoss: "On foot?  Joe, the way I feel, I couldn't catch a turtle on foot."

Adam: "Where'd you get the mules?"
Joe puts two fingers to his mouth and looks frightened.  Adam raises his eyebrows knowingly.
Hoss: "Oh—them mules. . . . Tell him, Joe."
Joe clears his throat, then says: "We, uh, borrowed 'em . . . sort of."
Ben: "You borrowed them!"

Man in bank, getting his money: "Mr. Cartwright—the people of Virginia City—well—thank you.  We ain't gonna forget what you done."  He walks away.
Adam: "I hope they forget what Hoss and Little Joe—done."

After getting beat up by the mule owner . . .
Hoss: "Sort of a—sort of a wiry little man, ain't he?"
Joe, feeling his bruised eye: "He sure was.—Hey Hoss?"
Hoss: "Haiye?"
Joe: "Why don't I let you be boss for a while?"
Hoss: "Noah, no, no. . . . Little brother, I'm perfectly content just bein' a hired hand."

Episode 54 - The Tax Collector

Hoss, wispy hair a-flying, muttering to himself: "Dadburn storks are gangin' up on me." (Submitted by tallbond)

Hoss, to Ellen: "Just stay there and be calm, like me." (Yeah, right!)

Episode 55 - The Rescue

Adam: "It gets colder up there than a polar bear's nose." (Submitted by Puddleglum)

Episode 56 - Dark Gate

Adam: "Boy, if you don't put down that gun I'm gonna take it away from you and wrap it around your thick skull!" (Submitted by Puddleglum)

Episode 58 - Cutthroat Junction

Adam to Joe: “You know, for a young one, you’re real smart.”

Episode 61 - The Infernal Machine

 Hoss, after Mr. Throckmartin says he'll invest $1,000: "I'll be sawed in half with a blackberry vine."

Man, about the miniature car machine: "Stand back!  I'm gonna kill it."

Episode 65 - Elizabeth, My Love

Elizabeth: “I love the sound of your voice.  It’s so friendly and reassuring—like a lighthouse horn.”
Ben: “A lighthouse horn?!  Hoooomm.”

Elizabeth's father: “Keep a warm spot for her in your heart, but don’t brood, Son.  Don’t carry her on your shoulder for the rest of your life.  She wouldn’t want that.”
Ben: “No, I guess she wouldn’t.”

Ben says to Adam after he wakes up from being sick,
"Memories and Dreams are precious things, Adam.  They're always there when you need them most." (Submitted by Christine G.)

Quotes from Season 3

Episode 68 - Springtime

Ben: “Ten-year-old schoolboys would show more sense!”

Joe: “ . . . I made it plain.  GET OFF THE LAND!!”
Man, scratching his head thoughtfully: “No, I’d just as soon not.”

The Cartwright boys in a rare moment of total rebellion to their Pa...
Hoss: "Dadburned mud and mules and snow...mud belly-deep to a tall cow...it's rained dang near every day..."
Adam: "When it didn't snow."
Joe: "Frankly, I'm sick of the Ponderosa right now."

PA: "Do you realize that he started with nothing on his back but his clothes??????????  (Blue Velvet)

Adam: Because I'm older and smarter! (Lillian, aka: wordsthatwill)

Episode 71 - The Lonely House

Lee Bolden, speaking of her late husband's belongings: " . . . I find a measure of comfort in them.  I guess it's wrong to seek comfort from the past."
Joe: "No, I don't think it's wrong, I just wouldn't make it a way of life."

Mr. Trock: "We keep runnin' into each other."
Joe: "An' I like it less all the time."

Man (Gavin?): "Like I said, Trock—you're too soft.  One of these days you'll get killed—maybe even today."

Mr. Trock: "I didn't know where to go—or what to do when I got there.  Like he said—they never—hang anybody for—robbin' a bank. . . . You think this place could use a reformed gunman in—about five years?"
Lee: "I think he'd find a job that could last him—all his life."
Mr. Trock: "You do? . . . May I kiss you?"

Episode 71 - The Burma Rarity

Joe: “What do you need Adam for?”
Hoss: “Protection?”
Ben glares.
Joe: “He doesn’t need protection against the widow.  He spent the whole afternoon with her at the June picnic and had a wonderful time.”
Ben: “I spent the afternoon with her because I picked her name out of fifty names from a goldfish bowl!”
Hoss, smiling: “I heard you kinda’ arranged that, Pa.”
Ben: “Now, just a minute!  I can take ___ and innuendos from people in town, but not from my own boys!”
Hoss and Joe: “Yes, Pa.”
Ben, scowling: “ ‘Yes, Pa.’. . . . Comin’, Adam?”
Adam: “I’m with you every step of the way, Pa—right down the aisle.”

Clemantine Hawkins: “Oh, I do miss Harry so much.  You have no idea how lonely I get living in this huge house—without a man around.”

Clemantine: “Well, goodbye—ducky.  Come again!  Coo!”
Ben: “I going to tell Morgan and Ax to meet at the boarding house.”
Adam, feigning a British accent: “Awright, Ducky.” Ben glares at him.

Ben: “Harry, my business can’t wait.”
Harry: “Are you in that much of a hurry to get out of town?”
Ben, swallowing: “Yeah.”

Ben: “Clemantine, I’ve got to explain something to you.  That-that loud noise you heard was—Hoss here . . . ”
Clemantine: “Yes, I know.  Everyone wants to try Harry’s weights.  That’s the third table I’ve lost this month.”

Clemantine: “Do come again, all.  And you too, Ducky.” (Hitting his arm playfully.)
Hoss: “Pa?  Did she say ‘Ducky’?”
Ben, scowling: “Come on, I’ve got to send a telegram.”

Joe: “They said Axe and Morgan were as honest as the day is long.”
Adam: “The days are getting shorter all the time.”

Clemantine: “Now, this hat that you claim is yours. . . . Bend down.  Bend down, Ducky!”

Chief Crazy Fox: “Am I to understand that you gentlemen wish dispose of this bauble?”
Joe, sheepishly: “Yeah.”
Chief Crazy Fox: “In exchange for food?”
Hoss: “That’s what we had in mind.”

Hoss: “Every time I think of how you crooks treated that poor widow makes me mad enough to bite a porcupine.”
Mr. Morgan: “I’d sure like to see that.”
Hoss, threateningly: “Yeah?”

Ben, as he's fighting, to Hoss: "I can handle it." (Or something like that.)
After Ben accidentally punches Hoss, Joe comes along.
Joe: "Ain't you gonna help 'im?"
Hoss, feeling his mouth: "Nope."

Episode 73 - The Many Faces of Gideon Flinch

Joe: "It's our policy to send a gentleman to meet the ladies at the stage."
Jennifer: "Well, where is he?"

Jennifer: "Now look here, Mr. Cartwheel!"
Joe: "Cartwright. . . ."

Joe: "I'll make an impressive Gideon Flinch if it kills me!"

Burke: "So there's another Gideon Flinch?"

Joe, smiling: "He's the real McCoy—I-I mean the real Gideon."

Joe: "How about if the more charming member of the Cartwright family takes you to dinner?"
Jennifer: "I'd like that just fine—(as she takes Hoss's arm) if the more charming of the Cartwright family will escort me!"

Episode 74 - The Friendship

Hoss is coming down stairs: "I'm hungry...what's for dinner?"
Adam: "For you...half a cow." (from Thompson)

Danny: “Maybe you made a mistake in taking me out of that cage.”
Joe: “When I think I’m wrong I’ll tell you.”

Danny: “Was I that easy to follow?”
Joe: “Just like a herd of cows.”

Ben: “Joseph, sometimes you make me very angry.”

Ben: “No matter how old a man gets, he can always learn something new.”

Ben: “There go two very wealthy young men.”
Hoss: “What do ya mean, Pa?”
Ben: “They have something not all the money in the world can buy. . . . It’s called friendship.”

Episode 77 - Day of the Dragon

Su Ling: "It Su Ling's fault.  She head block."
Ben: "Head block?"
Su Ling: "Block head?"

General, speaking about Joe: “Loud-voiced boy rightly been called a hammer without a head.”

General, to Joe: “It is well written, ‘If kitten were king of jungle, elephants would be mice.’”

General, to Joe: "Now, toothless puppy, you die."

Episode 90 - The Wooing of Abigail Jones

Adam: "What would you have me do—marry Abigail so Hank wouldn't have to?"
Hoss: "No, not marry her.  Just propose."
Adam: "What?"
Hoss: "Propose for Hank."

Joe, at the breakfast table with Hoss: "Hey, Adam, how'd you make out with Abi—"  He stops as he sees Adam's look. "Aren't you hungry this morning?"
Adam glares at Joe and sits down.  "Fine brothers you are."
Joe: "What do you mean?"
Adam: "You know exactly what I mean."
Joe: "You—you mean after all your sweet talk she didn't accept Hank's proposal?"
Adam: "After all my sweet talk Abigail proposed to me."
Joe: "What?!"  After a minute, Joe begins to laugh, along with Hoss.  Ben comes in the room and wants to know what's going on.  Joe says amid laughter: "Adam found out he's irresistible to women."

When Hoss bellows out a loud note in practice for wooing Abigail, Joe tumbles down the stairs.
Joe: "You know, we wanted to serenade her, not warn her of coming attack."

"Sounds like someone dyin' in the barn." - Joe to Hoss, about Hank Myers' singing  (from Short Shanks)

"Pretty soft, once you break through that hard head of his." - Hoss, about Adam (from Short Shanks)

Episode 91 - The Lawmaker

Deputy Charlie: "I wouldn't go lookin' for trouble with any of the Cartwrights.  They stick together.  You take on one, you take on 'em all."

Ben: "You learn the words fast, Asa.  Too bad you don't know what goes with them."

Adam, after he was hit on the head with a gun (to Ben): "Well, it's almost worth the headache to hear you admit you're wrong for once."

Ben, holding up Asa Moran's badge: "I've never shot at one of these before."
Judge Jackson: "You didn't shoot at the badge, Ben.  You shot at the man."
Ben, sadly: "Yeah."

Episode 96 - Blessed Are They

Ben: "I just hope I can make the right decision."
Rev.: "With God's help, you will."

Joe: "I can't cook, take care of the kids, and keep the piglets out of the house all at the same time!"

Joe: "Don't let that pig get in my bed!"

Ben: "Either exchange the shoes or exchange the feet, whichever is easier."
Joe: "That's the way you gave them to us."
Ben: "Oh, come on."

Quotes from Season 4

Episode 104 - The War Comes to Washoe

When Adam and Hoss go to see that actor who is really a secret agent, Hoss tells him: "I could break you in half" if he doesn't tell them what they want to know. Adam looks at the guy and says, "He could, you know." (Audrey)

Episode 113 - The Good Samaritan

Abigail: "Stop helping!  My husband can do it on his own!" (Something like that.)

Abigail: "Hoss, it's going to rain!"
Hoss, holding up his hands defensively: "I had nothin' to do with it.  I'm not responsible."

Episode 119 - The Last Haircut

Joe, to Paco Rodriguez (about Duke Miller, the killer): "If you believe in God, you must believe that God will punish him."

Joe to Ben: "When you had me talk things over with Paco, you were really having me talk things over with myself, weren't you?"

Episode 121 - The Hayburner

"My Pa did not put me up to this!  I put me up to this!" --Joe to Enos Milford (from Short Shanks)

"Couldn't keep a dollar if it was tied to him." --Adam, about Joe (from Short Shanks)

Joe's one word, "Security." Even now thinking of it I have to grin.  (from Shlynn)

Episode 124 - The Way of Aaron

Adam, as the peddler and his daughter drive away: "They're nice people."
Ben: "Nice girl. - I wonder what we'll need next week."

Episode 128 - My Brother's Keeper

Sheila: "Please, Adam, don't be upset."
Adam, sarcastically: "Don't be ridiculous, I'm not upset.  After all, we still have those lovely sunsets."

Episode 129 - Five into the Wind

Ben: "Uh—Joseph?"
Joe: "Yeah?"
Ben: "Take your feet off the table."
Joe, laughing: "It's good to be home, Pa."

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